She grilled my ass.
A Week 7 Recap of the Windecchia Season
Hometowns! Every time I watch a Hometowns episode, I think about what my hometown would be like, mainly because it wouldn’t be there. I don’t know anyone who lives in Chesterland, Ohio anymore. So would we go to Idaho? Pretend I grew up somewhere I did not so my suitor could meet my parents? Or would I be like, “actually, let’s just go to LA” and have them meet my friends? If it was on this episode, you wouldn’t even be able to remember which I did because we spent what felt like 30 seconds on each family. They seriously spent more time just talking about hometowns at the front of this episode than they did on any one hometown.
But let’s get into them.
New Orleans - Jason & Gabby
Jason’s dancing is not what I hoped for, but he can’t have everything. Throughout this entire sequence of dancing in the street, my husband had his hands over his face because he was so mortified while I explained this is my dream. To which he said, “dancing badly in front of people who hate you?”
Jason reveals to Gabby he was thinking about leaving early in the season, but then he wanted to stay for Gabby. I want to know who submitted him for this show. Was it his Kelley Flanagan knock-off sister? Because I like her. But before we get to her, we get dad.
Jason’s dad is a Hufflepuff, crying just upon seeing his son, carrying a bouquet and a box of beignets — also my dream. Jason’s dad says some people wear their love on the outside, and some wear it on the inside. Jason clearly wears it on the inside, likely because he watched his parents wear it on the outside exclusively and was like, “for fuck’s sake, hold it together guys.”
Dad wants to be the best man at Jason’s wedding. I agree.
Then it’s off to mom’s house, where we see a Black Lives Matter poster on the front porch. Promising. And it adds up when we go inside and get major Ramona Rickettes in Cry Baby vibes. Zebra ottomans! Lime green chaise! Mirrored walls! I fucking love this family. Jason’s sister seems like she maybe already had a glass or two, or she’s just genuinely psyched to meet Gabby Windey. Either are valid!
Gabby’s objective here is to figure out if Jason’s family thinks it’s weird that she’s this outgoing loon and he’s seemingly been given a word limit on his life. But everyone thinks it’s a good balance… for a marriage. Until Jason says, “I could never see myself getting engaged, it’s just not realistic to me … it’s not her, it just wouldn’t feel right to me.” So, there’s this show called the Bachelorette, and the premise is, you get engaged at the end. Now what show do we think Jason signed up for?
The reality is, you can go on this show and successfully fall in love without getting engaged. Matt and Rachel, Susie and Clayton — I’m not saying these people will be together forever, but they’re together! So you can negotiate a non-engagement exit. It’s possible if you can just escape the producers’ grasps for like one second.
Mom gives great advice here: what would life feel like without her? Because maybe you don’t want to get on one knee, but if that’s all it takes to keep someone you love, maybe it’s not the big fucking deal capitalism has made it out to be?
Anaheim - Zach & Rachel
These two yahoos are back on bikes and thankfully this one fits her. This date is full of throwbacks: riding bikes, watching planes, watching their own date played back to them while Zach’s parents watch a movie of their son making out with this girl they just met. Super normal shit.
Also, because it’s Anaheim, there’s an American flag flying out front and Zach’s mom is wearing a bejeweled cross — my least favorite kind of Christianity because as anyone who has watched Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade knows, that’s not the work of a carpenter.
Zach’s uncle is Gronk and Zach’s dad is so genuinely excited to see Rachel it looks like he’s about to burst. But he’s not fully bought in just yet! He says, “if you go to all the romantic places on Earth, you’ll fall in love with a monkey.” Incredible dad line. The takeaway here is that Rachel should just leave with Zach, and do it now. His family loves her, they have all the same values, he’d be there for her through thick and thin, and he does not appear to be hiding some very serious control issues (cough, Tino.)
We finish this date with Rachel saying, “he is so perfect.” We can all hear the “but” that came after.
Palm Beach - Johnny & Gabby
Do you guys think Johnny is hot? Because Gabby starts this date talking about how hot he is, how he knows, she knows, and we know it. But do we? These eyebrows? Come on.
It’s another delightful family meeting the delightful Gabby and the parents being like, “please marry her,” and Johnny being like, “sorry what show am I on?”
His dad also gives great advice! He tells Johnny that he is emotionally ready, and you go down the financial road together. This is a great dad. It makes me so insane how many parents on this show are like, “my baby!!! My baby cannot suffer a broken heart ever!!!” Like let them live a little, jesus. Anyway nothing happens on this date. People have fun and Johnny isn’t ready to get engaged and doesn’t tell her. And that’s that.
Wildwood New Jersey - Tyler & Rachel
Sigh. Did they put her in this terrible trench coat because they knew she’d look like a clown by the end of this? This date is why I yelled “Tyler?!” at the end of the last Group Date when he got the rose because DUH BABE. You just like to be fawned over! You never even went on a date with this guy! And then you were like, “well the process, I have to meet his family.”
I swear Rachel went on this season honestly thinking she was America’s Bachelorette, that she’d be 1million followers deep for her class and kindness, but all she’s displayed is an inability to keep her shit together.
Tyler says, “this is gonna be the best day of my life,” thus assuring the audience that it will definitely be the opposite. The highlight of this date is Rachel eating the most phallic corn dog I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot. I love corn dogs. And they’re not supposed to look like that.
Tyler goes on and on about how happy he is, as the cameras catch Rachel’s face looking more and more panicked. Rachel’s face looks like she just found out the man she’s about to dump is an accused murderer. She looks panicked.
While Rachel is visibly shaken and near tears, Tyler talks about how much he’s in love with her, and she doesn’t stop him. She just rubs her face, presumably to get her face to stop looking a deer on the highway, while he displays the greatest lack of social awareness I’ve ever seen on a person. Then she finally crushes him, sobbing uncontrollably while Tyler locks in a place in Paradise by being so fucking gentle and forgiving that it made me laugh.
For some good ole fashion torture, they show Tyler walking into his house with his poor adorable New Jersey mom. Ugh. Bye Tyler, see you elsewhere in the franchise.
Bedminster New Jersey - Erich & Gabby
I cried through this entire hometown. Gabby, just go home with Erich. Just leave now. Don’t fuck this up. I get it, Jason’s great, but come on.
Erich says to camera, “I know she’s the one I want to bring home.” To his dying father! Erich doesn’t even need to say he’s falling in love, because this is the testament. I can’t even write about this without crying again. Erich’s poor mom saying, “I keep watering that flower and he keeps coming back.” Erich’s dad saying his mom has gotten sweeter? It’s too much. Erich driving away with Gabby on his motorcycle away from the most serious and sentimental family? I’m dead. What romcom am I watching? I want to watch it again.
The scene of Gabby and Erich at this restaurant, giving little kisses before she eventually ends up in lap because they both confess they’re falling in love with each other? I really frickin’ am. I mean, fuck. Put me to bed, I loved this. Don’t talk to me about the preview for next week because I want to hold this in my heart for a little bit longer.
My whole fucking heart to Erich’s family, having some of their last moments expressing how much they love each other saved forever on TV. Just gutting.
Santa Clarita - Tino & Rachel
Speaking of gutting, time to gut our favorite clown fish Rachel.
There’s so much wrong with this date. One, was there a date? I didn’t write down a single thing other than her experience with the parents. And that Tino starts with, “the first rose of the season went to me.” Tino is here to win, not to wed. So his dad asks what TIno thinks is going to happen and he says, “she’ll send the rest of the guys home and I’ll propose to her.” And his dad says WHY. Perfect. The producers were wetting themselves.
Both mom and dad insist on a full dissertation on their son — can you name his favorite color? What’s his most embarrassing moment? Did you know he hasn’t gone to therapy and neither have we? CAN YOU TELL? Rachel’s line of defense is to say she knows how often he gives blood.
But dad is right: Rachel is looking for engagement. She has always wanted to be the prototypical sweetheart bachelorette, and that means walking away with a big ole ring and a big ole doofus. Dad even says, “this is your second go-around,” which slices Rachel in half on live TV. What Rachel does not seem to realize is that this isn’t really about her, this is decades of watching their son be an impulsive, competitive bro dude, and them having to parent someone who is so delusional that when he walks outside, he tells Rachel his parents adored her despite being defensive, skeptical, and cold.
Watching Tino gives me the chills. I dislike this trajectory.
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And then that’s uh… it? I guess? Sorry Aven, see you next week. The preview spells chaos, as inevitably the players come out of their producer hypnosis and suddenly remember they’re at the point when the lead sleeps with all the players in various hotel rooms. I mean who cares. Who cares. They’ve slept with people before you, this is just two more. Fucking relax and walk away with followers, friends, and maybe even a girlfriend.
See you next week for the Men Tell All and Aven’s regulation to not-winning.
"He's been in a simulation."