I want to date you.

I’m not coming out of this not engaged.

A Week 11 Recap of the Windecchia Season

I’d like to first start by acknowledging the hard work that every PR coach put into this episode. It’s no easy feat to get love drunk reality stars to apologize repeatedly when they, in fact, did nothing wrong. So kudos to the Fake Factory, because WOW. I mean should we start with the first segment of bullshit, Zach?

To recap, Zach went into fantasy suites and Rachel attempted to gaslight him into believing he wasn’t ready for marriage so she could get him to self-eliminate. If this was a means to an end, she at least achieved her end. Zach hated this weird act she pulled so much that he was like, “whoa, what the fuck sea witch, I thought you were a person.” No Zach. She’s a bachelorette. That’s all she’s ever wanted to be: a bachelorette with a big fat ring. 

So Zach self-eliminates while Rachel holds back a smile because he did her job for her. Then, in the studio Zach apologizes. 

But let’s rewind 30 seconds because something important happens here that you just know Rachel notices: when Zach walks onto the stage, the fans cheer. Rachel attempted to villainize him by saying he questioned her character, but no one bought it! Rachel just wasn’t as into him as the other guys, tried to hoodwink him into leaving, and then attempted to drag him when he said she seemed like a different person. Like, babe, you did! 

This man is either very mature or an incredible actor. He finishes by saying, ““I tried to handle it the best I could, but I unfortunately failed.” No, Zach, baby, you did great. May you move past this stay-puft clown fish.  

But Rachel isn’t done yet. She has another life to ruin. 

Rachel’s description of Aven to her family is basically all you can ask for when describing a spouse. She evens goes as far to say that when she wants support, she thinks about Aven. That is it. That’s the indicator, babe! Because any time you go running to Tino with a problem, he’s just gonna say, “it’s fine, babe. It’s fine.” 

The second thing mom asks is if both suitors want kids, so good to know that Moms as a brand never change.

Rachel says “clarity” maybe 35 times in this episode, which is weird because she already has it since she loves Tino and told him. 

So Aven comes in with flowers and a rare gift for The Dad, Big Tony, so well played Aven. Mom loves him, Dad loves him — Aven, as Rachel told us earlier in the season, is truly the full package. Can you imagine the supermarket sweep he’d have on the beach? Yeesh. But in conversation with Rachel’s friends, he basically says that proposing in a week seems a bit much.

Look. My grandparents met on a blind date and were married three months later. My dad used “will you marry me” as a pick-up line and they were married three months later. Not engaged, married. My grandparents were married ‘til death did them part, and my parents are on year 42. Whirlwind romances can work. But that’s when you meet and are like “oh my god, let’s hang out aggressively without any cameras or families or instagram followers.” This show is not that. And I can absolutely see how Aven with three weeks left would be like, “I’m ready to get engaged” and then with one week left is like “oh fuck.” It’s reasonable! Alas, Rachel is not.

Did Aven communicate this accurately to Rachel? No. Did Rachel accurately communicate to Aven that she’s only leaving here with a ring and she doesn’t give a fuck who puts it on? Also, no. They part in disarray, and Rachel says out loud to her friends, “I’m not coming out of this not engaged.” Christ. Girl you might be.

The producers splice in an interview line here where Rachel says, “everyone’s lying to me,” which clearly comes from the next episode. God I can’t wait to see how Tino fucks up.

Next up, we see Gabby’s family. In case you hadn’t noticed, in the studio, Rachel looks like a woman on trial for murdering her husband and Gabby looks like she realized she doesn’t need botox between her lip and nose anymore and can actually smile. Gabby is glowing and Rachel is stewing. We love to see it.

Gabby’s family is so wonderful. I just loved this. They’re so supportive, and most important to me personally, they’re so willing to acknowledge and embrace her trauma, and there to help her through it. There’s no “move on” or dismissive language. It’s just a fucking treat. Even her dad at one point says “everything she went through with me and her mom” including himself in that trauma. Everyone loves Erich, and Erich obviously just adores her. For Erich to acknowledge he was intimidated by her and had to fight through that? That’s a man who knows the woman he has. 

Anyway, back to hell. Rachel needs to introduce Tino, who she loves, to her family. But before that, she needs to force Aven to break up with her. Watching Rachel’s face in the corner of this screen live from the studio is such a gift. Did she take valium before this? How is she keeping it so icy cold? For a girl who sobbed her way around the world, it’s honestly impressive.

Aven tells Rachel that he’s all in, she’s the girl, he sees his life with her, but golly wouldn’t it be nice to just be boyfriend and girlfriend? The wild part here is that neither of these people have said they’re in love with each other – not to each other and not to the cameras. These people just like each other. So it makes sense that Aven is like, “let’s date?” and it makes much less sense when Rachel starts heaving.

Or maybe it makes perfect sense. Because all Rachel truly wanted was for the max number of men possible to be fucking obsessed with her. That’s it. That’s her endgame. She even says, “I want to be engaged and I’m not willing to sacrifice that.” Not a good way to live life, hun! 

Did you notice that not once does Rachel talk about who she likes more? What she wants in a man? Who makes for a better partner? Literally all she cares about is that one of them is ready to propose in a couple of days. That’s it! That’s IT!

Rachel says, “I can’t move forward. It’s over.” And if you didn’t notice the slight smile here, her sheer relief of being able to twist this into Aven’s fault, you couldn’t have missed it when she basically twirls away from his door giggling and smiling. Like what the fuck was that. Sorry, Aven, but you were way too good for her. Date Serene or something. 

Over to Tino, who has been rendered speechless by Rachel’s family except for this great line that really highlights Tino’s whole schtick: “I can’t wait for you guys to get to know me better.” Tino isn’t excited to get to know them, no no no. Tino is excited for THEM to get to know HIM. Maybe these idiots are perfect for each other. Honestly, that was the only thing I wrote down from this date. Was it that short or was it that lackluster? Who cares!

We have to head back to the studio for more Rachel torture anyway. Rewatch any studio part of this episode and you will see that Rachel’s forehead and eyebrows don’t move. At all. That’s why she’s expressionless. Not because she’s stone cold but because she’s stone frozen. She musta told her filler person to just pump her up beyond feeling. And what luck, because my oh my does the audience cheer when they see Aven. 

I feel a twinge of empathy here. Is Rachel… embarrassed by how she handled things? Does she think there’s potential to end up with Aven in the future? Because there was verrrry little concern about Aven “going back on his word.” I wonder, I wonder. But they all agree: Rachel wanted an engagement, not the actual best person for her to build a life with. 

Over to Gabby who absolutely had producers pulling her strings to work her up over an engagement. There’s a little self-sabotage here because Gabby’s scared shitless of messing this up, which always makes you mess up, but Erich also says something very, very dumb: “I want to date you.” We all know what he meant, but we also know that Gabby’s reaction of WE’VE BEEN DATING is not without merit. 

The thing is, the way they’re physically hanging on each other… that’s a couple that’s gonna figure it out. Maybe that’s just my hope radiating through, but that’s real couple shit. And it must be mentioned: Gabby’s live studio cam shows her hiding a smile the entire time, like it’s hilariously embarrassing to watch her freak out over a man who she is still very much with. And then! After this little “what am I supposed to do? Walk away because he doesn’t want to propose?” breakdown, did you notice what they did?

They didn’t talk to her. Every other segment there have been interviews but not this one, because Gabby would’ve said: yeeeeah I was being a little silly. 

But the piece de resistance of this episode is when Jesse closes out the show with Rachel and Gabby by his side. When Jesse speculates about whether Rachel, Gabby, or both will be engaged, this is Rachel’s face and this is Gabby’s:

Foreshadowing or contouring? We’ll find out next week.

Yikes.

See you next week for when we figure out what Tino’s lying about and we see how Erich convinces Gabby that maybe dating like Matt James and Rachel Kirkconnell isn’t a bad idea after all.