Physical, emotional, and texting
A Week 12 Recap of the Windecchia Season
What is there to say except, duh.
Do we even need to write a recap? I mean, I guess.
First, this episode starts assuming I spend all day reading about Bachelor conspiracies. They open this show talking about texts with exes and indiscretions and I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about. I thought for a second that meant they were going to address Erich’s high school black face, but no. That is too much for dear old ABC.
They bring their favorite seat-fillers, Michelle, Becca, and Kaitlyn (and Sean Lowe) and we see the only good sign this season in the audience: YEAH. It’s still producer-made, but at least it’s funny. Gabby Windey can’t even stop herself from saying “yeah” repeatedly through her own proposal, and I only loved her more for it. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
We see flashes of the Gabby/Erich “fight” which is dimly lit because when Gabby walks away, Erich is obviously smiling and so is she. They love each other. Then we see Rachel in what can only be described as a 1980s Grandma Bomber jacket — someone, anyone, save this girl from the costume department. Tino says wow because that’s all you can say to that jacket.
Rachel’s face in the corner never shifts from unbridled rage, so we know how this ends. She’s not even watching the playback most of the time — she’s just dead eyeing somewhere in the corner so she doesn’t cry. Rachel clearly has read the comments, all of them, and is internally grappling with 80% of Bachelor nation saying she’s a poorly dressed cry baby. I genuinely feel for her.
The editors make sure to include every time Rachel previously said Tino is the one and that she trusts him, just so the fall is that much higher. Jesse reinforces that all of America is rooting for her because he knows they’re not and that’s not a great look for one of their leads.
We cut to Rachel and Gabby fawning over their potential men. This is the best Rachel has ever looked on this show. She’s pretty! Let her be pretty!
Then we get Rachel’s proposal where she literally says she’s “waiting for something bad to happen.” Her face in the corner says that something bad absolutely does happen because those tiny glimmers of a potential smile are actually Rachel knowing she’s about to ruin this man’s life on national television. But first Tino has to say he believes in fate and all that shit, he proposes, no one cheers, and everyone looks unhappy so it’s time to go back to the studio.
Jesse says, “watching your facial expression, we can tell this isn't the end.” Where’s Gabby to say, “yeeeah”?
Rachel handled this segment like a pro in my opinion, saving all her rage for when Tino actually talks to her. There’s lots of “growing pains” and “taking time” etc., and then Rachel says he cheated on her. I’m sorry, he what? You’re telling me this narcissistic, delusional dude who repeatedly diminished your concerns by plastering them with platitudes didn’t turn out to be that great? Wow, I am beside myself with shock. Who could have—
Anyway, let’s drag him.
We cut to Rachel hanging out in a bungalow that looks like it’s from one of the episodes of Dream Home Makeover where the Studio McGee people take a break from designing multi-million dollar houses for their Mormon-adjacent friends to actually help someone who can’t afford a designer: it’s all soft grays and tans with no signs of life.
I’m not going to do a play-by-play of this conversation between Tino and Rachel, but I will say that my husband sitting next to me was like, “but he is apologizing?” every time Rachel said he wasn’t, and I had to explain to him that he’s literally never done an apology that shitty and if he had, I wouldn’t have even dated him let alone married him.
This was like watching a Human Resources skit on gaslighting in the workplace. Tino minimizes his own actions, blames Rachel, doesn’t actually take accountability ‘til the very end, and says it’s something they both need to work on when… is it? Is it Tino? Let’s put aside for a second whether or not Rachel felt comfortable with the ring or if they’re on a break or whatever: the thing that shows how stupid Tino is is the fact that he kissed a girl between the season airing and the season finishing. Bruv, keep it together until after the truly final episode. It’s only a few months, and you can absolutely ruin your chances of making money from this franchise in those months.
Watching Tino try to cover his microphone, then whimpering “let me out,” all because he couldn’t spend two months without making out with someone is so pathetic. Good on Rachel for just being like, “get out.”
In the studio, Tino says things like, “I’m trying to enlighten you” oooooooh my man, just leave. The hole is deep enough already. They both elude to things they’re not comfortable talking about on camera, and Rachel finally looks powerful. Congrats, babe. You’re only 26. Go have some fun before you marry a contractor who literally does not want to live out your dreams.
As slimy as Tino was, he did not deserve what ABC did next. “There is someone who has demanded they get a chance to talk to you,” and it’s Aven. Hot, reasonable, calm, and kind Aven takes Rachel backstage in front of Tino. This was cruel, and yet, somehow not even the most cruel thing that will happen in this episode. Tino shuffles off stage after being publicly humiliated and regretting this for the rest of his life.
Finally, over to Gabby and Erich. Everything at the tail end of this season was a misdirect because Erich’s only hesitation was making sure a proposal is also what Gabby wanted and they never get to talk about anything. Grandpa is crying, Erich uses Gabby’s full name when proposing which I love, they’re imitating peacocks and laughing and nothing has ever felt so genuine. Erich slays me with his final question: “Can I have your number?”
In the studio, they make out and Gabby is smacking him and being silly and am I in love with her? I might be. The producers notably have Rachel’s parents switch seats so her mom is next to Grandpa because her dad is too heartbroken and upset about seeing his daughter’s heart get trashed over and over.
Meanwhile, producers drag Erich for the exact wrong thing. These texts from the beginning, like who gives a fuck? He handles it like a champ, saying basically, “yeah I mean it seemed insane that this show would work and I was just trying to do something differently with my life and I was making out with a hottie who obviously turned out to be the kind of asshole who tries to ruin someone’s life by leaking text messages so yeah, I picked the right girl.”
So Erich and Gabby are together, Rachel is… probably not with Aven, and our next Bachelor is wow, just a whopping disappointment.
You couldn’t get Mike? Tyler C? Grippo? Andrew? Peter K? You couldn’t pull deep for anyone more interesting than Zach? Look it’s not like Zach is bad, it’s that he’s boring for TV. And while that’s a good thing for actually dating someone, it does not make great reality TV!
Anyway, they drag Zach up there and he’s about as interesting as the most forgettable press secretaries. Then they, sigh, they tell us there’s going to be an America’s First Impression Rose. I get the idea is to get people involved but this is out of control and inappropriately mean to do this to these women. First, we meet a woman named Brooklyn which, wow I am old if kids named Brooklyn are now old enough to get married. Brooklyn is the kind of woman who looks like a different person in pajamas and a messy bun.
Then there’s Brianna, a grade-A flirt; Bailey, a seemingly normal person.; crazy-eyes Cat; and Christina, our next Bachelorette. The nation votes for Brianna, and there’s a collective sigh.
The episode ends with a weird moment: Jesse acknowledging the franchise learned a lot of valuable lessons and we hear you. You clearly don’t because we all said “not Zach” and look where we are.
But thankfully, all is not lost. Bachelor in Paradise starts next week, and we’ll be here for it.
Let me out