Men Tell Nothing

I really recommend the podcast this week, because Becca essentially slept through the episode and I was high as a kite. It’s a good time.

We made no mistakes.

A Week 8 Recap of the Windecchia Season

Look, my notes are a mess from this episode because this episode was a mess. Was this a hometown? A men tell all? A never ending advertisement for other things? Something Jacob will add to his reel? Unclear! 

We start in the studio audience seeing a sign for Jesse Palmer that says, “Speak French to me, Jesse” which… whatever you’re into, I guess. And then it’s off to Salem, Massachusetts for the remaining hometown. 

This whole date is just spooky music over absolute normalcy. Aven and Rachel like each other. Aven’s parents are reasonable. Aven’s parents support him. Aven’s parents like Rachel. Aven says he’s falling in love with Rachel. If you just turned the music off for this date, then it would have seemed like a perfect hometown. So why did they score it like an episode of Virgin River? 

Is it because Aven talks about Salem “rich history” of burning intelligent women alive? Sorry, but Gabby’s not on this date. Is it because Lorelei “fallow ya hahts” Witch tripped on her own outfit and knocked over her table of lies? Is it because dun dun dunnnn Aven’s parents are going to be in the same room for the first time in six years? Can’t be that, because they seemed perfectly cordial. 

The only thing unnerving about this date is how much time Rachel had to prepare for the question, “what’s special about my son,” and how poorly she answers it. But it doesn’t matter, she gets the blessing and we get nothing. 

Back in the studio, we see maybe 1.5 seconds of the rose ceremony while Jesse tells us we can watch it on ABC.com — this is not what I meant when I said extra content. This isn’t extra. THIS IS THE POINT OF THE SHOW, THE ROSES. As Ben said, “no souls were taken. Wasn’t worth airing.” Indeed. 

Instead, we watch old footage. We see every rejection from the guys. We see the Chris flashback talking about fantasy suites. We see the Hayden debacle. And then it’s time for some character take downs and take outs. 

• Jacob says, “I was rude, selfish, and ignorant of her feelings.” Practiced, but good. 

• Roby showboating, as a magician does.

• Chris isn’t even there and everyone seems to have agreed it’s worth spending five minutes to make sure anyone who watches this show hates him.

• Alec agrees with me that the worst part about Hayden is that he took his dog’s special cancer toy away from him. Thank you, Alec.

• Logan says his part and gets a fist bump from Tyler. I agree. 

And then… everyone gets a cruise? Jesse actually does the Oprah line, “you get a cruise and you get a cruise!” Is that because the show was on ABC when she did that? Do they own that line? Virgin is so desperate for cruise goers, but honestly, I think they’re spot on that people who go to live Bachelor shows would either want a cruise or know how to pawn it off. 

Then it’s time to rewatch Nate and Gabby’s entire relationship. We get a full hero’s edit of Nate. Jesse addresses all the rumors, Nate owns up to them, sort of, and I am left worried he will be the Bachelor. This would be a boring fucking bachelor. Why, why, why, when we could have Mike Johnson or Greg Grippo or Tyler Cameron. You need a guy who’s either fun or troubled. We can’t have an emotionally intelligent, sensitive dad as the bachelor. He’s too mature! Let it go, ABC! We need people like the ones you find on, oh I don’t know, BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

I screamed at the TV when I saw Aaron Clancy on the beach. Andrew! Serene! Genevieve! Victoria! Michael A! Justin! Brandon! Sierra! I am ready. 

But back to the boring studio where Rachel says “we made no mistakes” and Gabby tells Mario he made mistakes and Rachel says Jordan V doesn’t even know what a mistake is, he’s so perfect. And then, we get a redemption arc before we see Jacob in Paradise. This was a pitch perfect apology. Acknowledges his own lack of awareness, expresses true sorrow, notes that he knows Gabby doesn’t have to accept this apology at all, and then expresses his hope to be better. No notes, see you on the beach. 

Tyler and Nate both get one more chance to look like they fell out of an Emotional Intelligence How-To book, and then finally onto the bloopers.

Can none of these people smell their own armpits? What the fuck?

But even stranger, this episode then turns into a ten-minute promo for the movie Bros. Please listen to the podcast to hear how dramatically wrong Becca and I both got Luke McFarlane’s identity. Anyway, ABC can’t trick me into promoting something other than the Bachelor, so I’m not going to write about any of this. 

They end the show with a staged sauce pouring on Meatball. 

See you in the next circle of Hell next week: Fantasy Suites. Men Tell Nothing

Sauce, cruises, and curses

Look, my notes are a mess from this episode because this episode was a mess. Was this a hometown? A men tell all? A never ending advertisement for other things? Something Jacob will add to his reel? Unclear! 

We start in the studio audience seeing a sign for Jesse Palmer that says, “Speak French to me, Jesse” which… whatever you’re into, I guess. And then it’s off to Salem, Massachusetts for the remaining hometown. 

This whole date is just spooky music over absolute normalcy. Aven and Rachel like each other. Aven’s parents are reasonable. Aven’s parents support him. Aven’s parents like Rachel. Aven says he’s falling in love with Rachel. If you just turned the music off for this date, then it would have seemed like a perfect hometown. So why did they score it like an episode of Virgin River? 

Is it because Aven talks about Salem “rich history” of burning intelligent women alive? Sorry, but Gabby’s not on this date. Is it because Lorelei “fallow ya hahts” Witch tripped on her own outfit and knocked over her table of lies? Is it because dun dun dunnnn Aven’s parents are going to be in the same room for the first time in six years? Can’t be that, because they seemed perfectly cordial. 

The only thing unnerving about this date is how much time Rachel had to prepare for the question, “what’s special about my son,” and how poorly she answers it. But it doesn’t matter, she gets the blessing and we get nothing. 

Back in the studio, we see maybe 1.5 seconds of the rose ceremony while Jesse tells us we can watch it on ABC.com — this is not what I meant when I said extra content. This isn’t extra. THIS IS THE POINT OF THE SHOW, THE ROSES. As Ben said, “no souls were taken. Wasn’t worth airing.” Indeed. 

Instead, we watch old footage. We see every rejection from the guys. We see the Chris flashback talking about fantasy suites. We see the Hayden debacle. And then it’s time for some character take downs and take outs. 

• Jacob says, “I was rude, selfish, and ignorant of her feelings.” Practiced, but good. 

• Roby showboating, as a magician does.

• Chris isn’t even there and everyone seems to have agreed it’s worth spending five minutes to make sure anyone who watches this show hates him.

• Alec agrees with me that the worst part about Hayden is that he took his dog’s special cancer toy away from him. Thank you, Alec.

• Logan says his part and gets a fist bump from Tyler. I agree. 

And then… everyone gets a cruise? Jesse actually does the Oprah line, “you get a cruise and you get a cruise!” Is that because the show was on ABC when she did that? Do they own that line? Virgin is so desperate for cruise goers, but honestly, I think they’re spot on that people who go to live Bachelor shows would either want a cruise or know how to pawn it off. 

Then it’s time to rewatch Nate and Gabby’s entire relationship. We get a full hero’s edit of Nate. Jesse addresses all the rumors, Nate owns up to them, sort of, and I am left worried he will be the Bachelor. This would be a boring fucking bachelor. Why, why, why, when we could have Mike Johnson or Greg Grippo or Tyler Cameron. You need a guy who’s either fun or troubled. We can’t have an emotionally intelligent, sensitive dad as the bachelor. He’s too mature! Let it go, ABC! We need people like the ones you find on, oh I don’t know, BACHELOR IN PARADISE.

I screamed at the TV when I saw Aaron Clancy on the beach. Andrew! Serene! Genevieve! Victoria! Michael A! Justin! Brandon! Sierra! I am ready. 

But back to the boring studio where Rachel says “we made no mistakes” and Gabby tells Mario he made mistakes and Rachel says Jordan V doesn’t even know what a mistake is, he’s so perfect. And then, we get a redemption arc before we see Jacob in Paradise. This was a pitch perfect apology. Acknowledges his own lack of awareness, expresses true sorrow, notes that he knows Gabby doesn’t have to accept this apology at all, and then expresses his hope to be better. No notes, see you on the beach. 

Tyler and Nate both get one more chance to look like they fell out of an Emotional Intelligence How-To book, and then finally onto the bloopers.

Can none of these people smell their own armpits? What the fuck?

But even stranger, this episode then turns into a ten-minute promo for the movie Bros. Please listen to the podcast to hear how dramatically wrong Becca and I both got Luke McFarlane’s identity. Anyway, ABC can’t trick me into promoting something other than the Bachelor, so I’m not going to write about any of this. 

They end the show with a staged sauce pouring on Meatball. 

See you in the next circle of Hell next week: Fantasy Suites.