Two whole episodes and Becca and I still managed to talk about all of it in an hour, which is a sure fire sign that this did not need to be two episodes. Enjoy!
Private in privacy.
A Weeks 9 + 10 Recap of the Windecchia Season
I’ve never seen so many cutouts in so many dresses in my life. Cut outs under the boobs, cutouts around the belly, cutouts on the hips, cutting out the entire back and replacing it with chains. What they should’ve cut out was half of these episodes. But let’s get into it. Let me start by saying:
Rachel sucks.
I know, I know, women supporting women, but it’s not believers supporting actors, and that’s what she is. This woman is so focused on her delivery, her smug little walk, her Disney laugh, her posture, etc. that all her meaningless little lessons fall flat. This girl is really trying to say Clayton was a monster for being confused about his feelings, and then goes on to say:
To Aven: Don’t forget, I’m falling in love with you!
To Tino: I love you, too!!!
To Zach: And now you’re gonna buy me a ring.
All Rachel wants is for everyone to like her. But girls like this never dump people. They distance. They use tactics like the one we don’t see deployed, but hear replayed back by Zach in which Rachel attempts to gaslight him into thinking he’s not ready for marriage despite them being literal months apart in age and him only being about one year younger than Tino. You’re telling me you think Tino is more ready for marriage than Zach? Girl, what?
Anyway, let’s talk about people I like.
Gabby & Erich
I love them. They love each other. They have a great date where Gabby’s entire butt and hip are blurred in every single shot. (Listen to the podcast to hear my theory on this, because we absolutely see Rachel’s butt in ep 9.)
Gabby and Erich have a great day swimming, we get some great metaphors about jumping off the platform into the cenote like “my heart is telling me to leap” and “I’m not jumping without you.” In the night portion, Erich shares his family is obsessed with Gabby (who isn’t), and Gabby shares she loves how ‘whole’ his family is. Then we get a romcom line from Erich: “Last week I told you I was falling in love with you, and then I watched you leave in the SUV, I spent that time in between thinking about us, and I am in love with you Gabby and I do not want to leave here without you.”
Into the Fantasy Suite they go, where Becca and I both believe the conversation was around what Gabby can and can’t say when the cameras are on, and that Erich just needs to be patient because he’s the guy.
But Erich is dealing with pre-grief and he just wants the girl his dad met to come home with him, so he fumbles what would’ve been a perfect play on the bridge. Basically he says this week is crushing him, and her being with the other guys feels like cheating, and apparently they’d already hashed this out privately, so Gabby doesn’t like it. He didn’t handle this right, but he know so immediately that he didn’t, that it kinda worked?
Erich says, after Gabby walks away and comes back, “The reality is I’m in love with you, and I’m terrified of losing you.” We love it. Gabby kisses him at the end, so we presume it’s fine.
Aven & Rachel
I am so over this fool edit they’re giving Aven. They spent the entire date cutting to Tino! Is that because Rachel and Aven’s date was boring? Yes, but it was still rude.
Aven and Rachel make out on a boat, then head to dinner where she makes sure he can propose in two weeks, and they talk about how much they’re falling in love before heading off to pound town. How do we know they went? Because Rachel talks says this:
And that’s it! That’s their entire date! Sheesh.
Tino & Rachel
Tino looks bad on a horse, Rachel has to hold her boobs when they trot, this whole thing is a mess. Tino, these are resort horses. Let them lead you.
The editors bait and switch us here with some lines that actually make us think Rachel is seeing things clearly with Tino’s extremely unsupportive family and his subsequent delusion about it. But as soon as Tino says I love you, our worst Disney princess yells, “I love you, too!” completely disregarding the fact that she’s without question leading on Aven. I’m so over this girl.
Gabby & Johnny
Most thoughtful breakup I’ve seen on this show, maybe? Johnny, congrats to you on having the kindness to end this on the beach, and not try to swing a Fantasy Suite. We love you for it, and look forward to seeing you on Bachelor in Paradise. You’re pretty dope, yourself.
But Johnny’s just a jumping point for the editors and producers to take us to Hell with Jason.
Jesse & Jason
It goes like this:
Gabby to camera: I know there’s something great waiting for me with Erich and Jason — having it right in front of my face is so enlightening.
Jason to Jesse: the one thing I do know is real is the connection between Gabby and I
Gabby to camera: Erich and Jason have really been able to validate me in a way I didn’t know I could ask for, that feeling of being loved that trumps all.
Jesse to Jason: do you feel like you’re falling in love with Gabby?
Jason to Jesse: I would say, yeah, not quite there just yet I would say, but I have strong feelings toward Gabby and hopefully it turns into something real after this.
Gabby to camera: I am ready for an engagement. … I didn’t know that I would get here. … I’m hopeful I can leave with someone.
Jesse to Jason: So you’re at a point right now where you don’t feel like you’re ready to get engaged to Gabby?”
Jason to Jesse: I would never want to hide anything from her. Truthfully, it’s hard, in two weeks? It’s hard for me to see that. It’s hard for me to get to the point of engagement.
Sigh. This yahoo.
They play tennis because he’s a former D1 tennis player, so he’s in his element, kissing his hot girlfriend that he has never said he is falling for, falling in love with, in love with, this man never even says he’s bewitched by her or enamored or delighted. He doesn’t say anything! What he does say is that he barely knows her, none of this is real, and he doesn’t want to get engaged. This, however, does not deter Gabby. She OFFERS HIM AN OVERNIGHT.
Look, I genuinely believe she offered the overnight to have one final get-it-all-out conversation with him without cameras, and that’s the conversation I wish we got to see, because whew she was NOT HAPPY.
She said to camera that she said to Jason, “Maybe it’s just not meant to be” and this man said back to her, “yeah, definitely.” You twat, you are so lucky Erich’s been here this whole time. In the morning Gabby goes to seek her level-headed revenge by discarding his apology and delivering a pitch-perfect line: “I want you truly to realize I’ve been led on.” Poor form, Jason. Poor form.
And then, in the golf cart, we finally get the titular line of all the previews: Am I too broken for anyone to love?
Rachel & Zach
Rachel’s an idiot. She says Tino is one of the most incredible men she’s ever met. I know she’s only 26 but whew, what a low bar. The producers pay a tarot reader to tell Rachel she’s focusing on the past too much, which I think is actually them trying to get her to repeat Clayton’s mistakes (it’s working!)
They say “there’s no way to dance to mariachi” to an international platform and then they go to dinner where they drag Clayton again just for fun before heading to the same fantasy suite Gabby and Erich used. Only so many presidential suites at a resort, you know!
Then, we get the morning portion. Oh my good god. Rachel says, “do we just eat the limes?” Do we, just eat, THE LIMES. The way this child actor says “I hope it helped you, you know, gAiN cLaRitY” made me want to claw my eyes out. Bad body language, terrible strained giggles, but amazing facial expressions from Zach who is now entering the final stages of his Bachelor edit. How I *wish* I could have seen that conversation where she was being “inauthentic” because dearest Zach, what Rachel is like when the cameras are off is what she’s actually like.
This whole season all Rachel has cared about is being a “good bachelorette”! And she’s not even doing a good job! She’s emotional and selfish and just wants everyone to like her! But despite Zach being able to tell something was off, it doesn’t appear he gets that the thing that’s off is Rachel.
The non-rose ceremony meet n’ greet
Zach says hi to Jesse like a kicked puppy, Aven says hi to Jesse like he’s the homecoming king, and Tino says hi with a level of arrogance only possible when you’re completely delusional. We see Zach pull aside Rachel, and then they cut to Gabby.
Gabby and the ending we deserve
I rewatched this because I loved it so much. He is so in love with her. He is so grateful to have her! You can see it in his adorable face! What a moment. Just kisses and I love yous and maturity and two super hot people making out. That is what I am here for. Now escape from the hotel in the dead of night and get away from these people.
I’m not going to talk about the abrupt ending bECAUSE I HATED IT.
See you next week!
"This isn't the past."