What if they don’t like me?
A Week 2 Recap of the Windecchia Season
It turns out when the Bachelor/ette franchise said they were not going to pit two women against each other, that what they meant was “we’re actually not going to do anything. No planning. No thought whatsoever. Just chaos.” And that, they are delivering on.
This episode starts with a rainbow in the storm and some producer-orchestrated exposition. Gabby and Rachel read their lines, “omg it’s rainy” and “omg I know” to “omg I wanna see some abs” and “omg me too.” They pretend to be confused about what kind of date they’re going to plan, as if they plan any of them.
The best part of this episode is the snippet of the boys’ house we see in the beginning where they are piled into bunks and on couches like they couldn’t make it home from the frat party. If I saw this many men in one room, I would leave. Just kidding, this is what all my meetings used to look like. Anyway, apparently the best way to get to know a man is to make him strip (you can skip this step if you’re a cyclist because you see everything from Day One anyway.) The men, examining their new costumes, begin to “panic pump” which is to say every single one of them begins doing push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups, and every other up you can think of in order to look juiced for the ladies.
The pageant itself is just the guys in cheap underwear doing the simplest of feats like juggling, jumping, dribbling, etc. For the guys who show the most heart, they’ll win an evening with the lasses. We begin to see some villains and heroes emerge here. Zach is starting to get his ITM interviews, and they feature his “go with the flow demureness” here — a crown positioning. You can’t be too demure (Yosef) and you can’t be too into it (Chad). But being nervous and willing? Zach is on his way to a friendly edit. Chris on the other hand…
Chris says out loud to a film crew for a nationally televised show: “I’m the alpha, the #1 leader.” Look I’m not saying ladies love a beta, but at least this lady loves an omega. And let’s be real: anyone who has to say they’re the alpha isn’t. He sings and it’s bad. Get rid of him just for having zero friends who could say, “you’re tone deaf” which is exactly what the chyron said.
The boys perform their dumb tricks, exhibiting almost no notable moments other than Logan trying to pretend worms turn into butterflies, and the date ends with absolutely arbitrary men being invited back to the Bachelorette House. Those men are: Aven, the dreamboat, Logan because duh they love him, Brandan who looks like he should be in a 90s R&B group and I mean that as a compliment, Jason the guy you meet at the Bungalow, Johnny the narrow-nosed rapper, and Colin “husband material” joke man.
Chris congratulates them on winning. Just kidding. Chris says the guys who won are the ones the girls aren’t sure about. God this guy is a tool.
At the party, we begin to fall under the producer narrative that Rachel is going to get her heart absolutely obliterated this season. The men are leaning away from her. They literally start with a conversation where Jason tells Rachel he’s there for Gabby. Cut to Gabby getting kissed. Cut to Rachel walking alone, seeing the kiss. Then to Rachel talking to Brandan who’s also leaning away from her, talking about how many states he’s been to. He says he’s been to almost all of them except like 14 of them, which is a quarter of them.
Then we see Colin saying he loves the narrator of Harry Potter before a cut to Logan, my “I don’t get it” of the season laying with Rachel on an actual bed with his massive body. Logan then says the dumbest compliment of all time, that the one thing he noticed about Rachel is that she’s brave to have gone through this experience before and to do it again. Why is this dumb? Because it’s not what he noticed about Rachel. That sentiment is true of both of these women — ignoring the fact that getting paid to get famous on TV is hardly brave.
So of course they cut to him kissing Gabby right after. When the women meet and Rachel reveals her kiss with Logan, Gabby either doesn’t or production cut her saying that they kissed as well. Gabby expresses maturity and kindness, and basically says she’s happy to let Rachel have whoever Rachel likes. This is the beginning of every man liking Gabby. Because these men will have chemistry with both of them, but Gabby will be the one to step away because she loves Rachel, and it will make the men want Gabby. It’s science.
Rachel gives the rose to Kiss Everyone Logan, and we have my first moment of liking Johnny when he says, “rose looks good on you kid.” I like when the contestants are nice to each other. And he is rewarded for this kindness because he gets Gabby’s rose. Logan? Johnny? These are frontrunners? Jesus.
Now, let’s get back to the slow collapse of Rachel’s mental state, because the date cards are coming up for the 1:1s, and the producers give Rachel’s first to build more anticipation for Gabby. Rachel takes Jordan V, the drag racer.
During this date I literally wrote, “awww I’m happy for Rach.” This guy is sweet, handsome, has a cool job he’s passionate about, and seems mature, so of course she sends him home. Girl what are you doing. It is too early in a sea of “I’m here for Gabby” for you to be sending home Ryan Phillippe knockoffs. That said, I’m excited to see Jordan V on the beach making out with Mykenna.
Back at the house, Chris’s producer target has grown and men are arguing with him. Chris is talking about fantasy suites, and plays a card we see played every season: if the crown fucks somebody else, I’m out. It’s just a weird show to go on if this is the way you feel. You’re fine with them dry-humping 30 other dudes but when the lead has to decide who they’re spending their life with (lol) you’re not OK with them exploring some intimacy? The maths, they aren’t there.
We have some great arguments from the other guys, though. Jordan says “if you’re at the fantasy suites, you’re there because you’re in love” to which Chris says “you’re there because you’re the final four.” Then we get this gem from Nate: “You cannot have pre-conditions to love. It’s a form of control that a lot of men don't realize they do that damages good women.” Someone has a great therapist.
Chris also, at some point in him being an idiot, says, “if the female has sex…” Ah yes, the female. Absolutely how I want a man to talk about me. Even coroners have the kindness to call them Jane Does. See you on the incel reddit, Chris.
We cut to Jordan holding his face in the taxi, not yet aware that he left with fans and an actual better opportunity for love on the beach. We also get a scene of the singers (band?) that was going to play for him and Rachel. I love these musical acts because you know they’re told to prepare three songs just in case: one for when it works, one for when they got the rose but something ominous this way comes, and one for when it blows up spectacularly.
Gabby’s date card arrives and it’s for floppy-haired Nate. He is genuinely gobsmacked, which we like to see. He sprays himself a minimum of six times with cologne before arriving at the girls’ place for his date with Gabby but Rachel is there in her pajamas. This scene felt like college. One time, at the height of my personal freedom, I texted one of my roommates on a Saturday morning and said, “where are you? I’m at the soccer house” and she wrote “omg I’m also at the soccer house” and we met in the kitchen. That’s what this felt like.
This date is incredibly boring. They fly around in a helicopter saying wow, and then get in a hot tub and say wow, and then kiss and say wow, and then sit at a table and say wow. They’re sweet goofballs together, and Gabby, taking the opposite strategy of Rachel, says “I’m not sure I want to be a mom in a month but I’ll keep him around to make out.”
It’s time for cocktails and more foreshadowing as Rachel says, “What if they don’t like me?” Girl.
Mario says, “guys are starting to say Team Rachel and Team Gabby” which they fucking should. If they all keep dating both of these women, it is going to be the end of a massive sandwich on soggy bread just dripping and slipping shit everywhere. And we get a taste of this as Mario sweeps Rachel into the air and Gabby’s attention sweeps directly to them. Anyway, Mario is still the guy who refers to himself as the Royal We so who cares.
Tyler then reveals he owns seasonal boardwalk games. This is a Hallmark movie now about a big city developer coming to rebuild the pier and this boardwalk game owner convinces her small and local is the way to go. There’s not an ounce of chemistry before we cut to Gabby laying on Erich on a bed of blankets making out. Erich is relieved of his villain status for this episode, but he’s a fuck boi if I ever saw one.
They cut to Rachel saying she finally feels like the Bachelorette. I am starting to feel genuinely bad for her until we cut to our first tattle of the season. Quincey is here to ruin Chris’s life before Chris can do it himself. Quincey grabs Rachel and brings her to Jordan and Hayden so the class can tattle together. They tell her Chris was talking about banging, and Rachel says “I can't believe this is happening.” Can you not babe? It comes up every season. Then she says, “I think we owe him the opportunity to speak to us” because the producers want it on camera.
Chris presumably tries to defend himself but I tuned out when he said female again. He leaves, he comes back, people get mad, he leaves again. Gone to be forever forgotten from the franchise.
At the rose ceremony, we lose Boston Ryan, Blue Man Brandan, and men I’ve literally never seen before. Also, the producers make the girls give Mario his rose last because he seems mentally unstable with all the We stuff. First you take his confidence, then you take his joy, then you take him down. Bachelor basics. We end with the inception gong sound over the Thelma and Louise imagery again, but one joyous cut from the future: Gabby’s grandpa asking if they have a date for him.
Please let him be the Senior Bachelor. It’s the world of content we deserve.
Females, fantasy suites, and fuckbois