This podcast cuts off the first 10 seconds because we don’t know what we’re doing yet. But good news, all it says is: Welcome to Thank You For Sharing That, a Bachelor/ette recap podcast hosted by two middle-aged married women… and it goes from there.
What sweet hell is this?
A Week 1 Recap of the Windecchia Season
I watch the Bachelor like I watch romcoms with Emma Roberts on Netflix: I like it not in spite of it being bad, but because it’s bad.
I’ve watched the Bachelor on and off for years, and there is no better place to watch it from then on the couch you bought as a grown ass adult too old and too well-adjusted to be on TV.
If Chris Harrison was the unhinged Darth Vader of this series, Mike Fleiss is Palpatine — pulling the strings of his racist puppet to cause primetime chaos. And Mr. Fleiss repeatedly promised the empire that on this unprecedented dual-bachelorette season they would not pit the girls against each other. What he left out is that they would let the men pit the girls against each other, and if the girls so happened to pit themselves against each other, they absolutely could.
The point of the bachelor hasn’t been love for decades. The point is ratings. And if we can look to Bravo for how to create a rating empire, it’s done entirely with blood. The more id and the less ego, the better. And I know some people don’t like Jesse Palmer as the host, but I subscribe to the Game of Roses religion: the emptier the host bot, the more room to collect the contestants’ souls.
This week we have an usual start to the Bachelorette, in that there are two of them so deeply trauma-bonded that they’ve abandoned any real ties they have to proclaim on national TV that they’re best friends. If my best friend ever did this, I would call the Today Show with an exclusive on what a fucking liar she is. (To be fair, I already did this at her rehearsal dinner when I said if she called her husband her best friend in her vows, she was lying then too.) Anyways, Clayton’s underbite seduced both of these women into believing they’d marry him, and instead they ended up marrying ABC — wait sorry, marriage is a right. ABC supreme-courted them and thse women signed away all of their rights for Instagram followers, as any Hometown But Not Hollywood Hottie would.
“There’s really no rule book here,” said Rachel, being absolutely wrong. The rules are you will suffer and they will film it. Life is so hard, girls.
Let’s get into it: first of all, I think we should say I’m a little biased to be a Gabby Windey stan because I like my girls openly weird. Rachel seems like someone a friend would connect me with and then we’d hang out and never talk to each other ever again. Someone I would love meeting in the bar’s bathroom, but would have nothing to discuss on a hike.
Night One stays, for the most part, standard. Limo entrances, a cocktail party, and some deeply embarrassed men go home. But one notable standout is that despite existing within a playbook this episode, no one has any idea what’s going on. Almost every single person said some version of “how’s this gonna work?” and Jesse Palmer said he hopes the girls have a plan. They don’t.
ABC chose not to introduce all the men so I’m not going to either. Instead, let’s get into the moments that made me yell at the TV.
Jason: “I’m in love with my mom, my sister, and my dog.” You’re in love with your sister? Anyway, men who base their entire knowledge of women on their family scare me. Like a centrist senator saying, “I have a daughter so I understand why you might want men to be punished for rape, that said…” Maybe he’ll be better, but he’s also an investment banker from Santa Monica, so chances are slim.
Aven: He is this season’s Ivan. Seems smart, kind, normal, and cute. Plus, he makes references to respecting Gabby’s grandpa and Rachel’s dad — two major appearances last season.
Jordan: Jordan is from Florida, so. But please note the moment he says to Rachel, when discussing their potential matrimony, “maybe you won’t have to move too far.” Maybe… you??? Maybe YOU won’t have to move too far? Then when he’s talking to Gabby, he says she can be his nurse. Note that nurses serve you when you are incapable of serving yourself and the only capability this man is lacking is hearing his own subtle misogyny.
Mario: I am already dismayed that Gabby gave her First Impression Rose to a man who referred to them as “two females” and refers to himself as the royal we. And it wans’t just once, it was several times. Mario contains multitudes, apparently.
Logan: the most important part of Gabby meeting the man with chicks in his hands is that she says: 1) I thought those were rats and 2) can they fly. They’re… chicks? Jesus.
Quincey aka Prince?: Love the idea of an intro being about temporary abstinence to two bangarang girls. Gabby saying “do you know who you’re talking to” was like a flashback to my 20s.
Alec: OK, ABC hates Clayton. This man had a choir of children sing a roast song of the previous season’s viking, as if all these men don’t realize that the Bachelor Franchise is an equal opportunity villainizer.
And then James brings a very dry looking meatball sub, Justin doesn’t wear shoes, Brandan doesn’t wear anything but blue, Roby is… a magician, and John gets their names wrong.
Tino: this man drove in on a forklift and Rachel wet herself. In high school, I dated a lot of Tinos. At least 70% of the guys I dated in high school were Tinos. Piccorillo, Lopresti, Ferroni, etc. My grandmother still hasn’t forgiven me for not marrying Italian despite the fact that she literally left the mafia to marry an English cop.
Romance novel Jacob from Scottdale: only here for a happy ending, I bet bud. This man walks into the house and yells with zero irony, “I didn’t choose this life, this life chose me” and then flexes.
Spencer: this man brings the women chairs citing his mother and his sister as why he understands that standing for a long time is hard. For fuck’s sake, please meet another woman.
Jordan: alright, well unfortunately for me this guy scratches a little of that Paul Walker in the Fast Franchise itch so I like him.
Erich: ah, a hot, manipulative villain. Finally. This man knows he’s hot, and luring them into his forcefield to fix his tie so they can look up at him and feel vulnerable is Top Tier Seduction.
Overall, the limo exits were boring and uneventful. The show has deprioritized them and it shows. As we headed into the mansion for the cocktail party, it became even more clear no one knew what was going on. One man literally said that Gabby and Rachel had different personalities, several men were like, “meh either one” and “I’ll take what I can get” which wow, what an incredible approach to love. It’s almost like they’re thinking with the head Hayden referred to earlier. (Head of his penis. Thinking with his penis.)
There are a few moments that stand out, though: the magician doing the exact same trick for the guys as he did for the girls; the twins insisting they’re individuals and then outlining in detail how they are literally not; Ryan telling Gabby to shut up so he can do his bit; Hayden writing Rachel a birthday card. (Side note: my own partner lost his mind at how delighted Rachel was, as if all it takes to seduce a woman is writing her a note. In that moment, I reminded him that my own love language is Words of Affirmation and IF THE MAN WOULD WRITE A FUCKING NOTE. I digress.)
Overall, it seems like Rachel is in love with the forklift man and Gabby is bound to find out that Erich sucks. Erich had redeeming moments, and is absolutely being framed as a villain by editing already, but he just reeks of someone I would have dated in my 20s and then needed a whole new wardrobe to reinvent myself after he ghosted me.
After 12 hours earlier when the women were promised they would have time to talk to everyone, they didn’t, and they want to keep all the guys. That’s a no-no from soul eating Ken doll Jesse, as he says, “do you really want to string them along?” Yes, actually, because it’s much kinder to get rid of 10 guys on Week 2 than 3 guys on Week 1 out of a bajillion guys. But Gabby and Rachel are contractually obligated to provide suffering, so they single out the most obvious nerds on the show and send home the single-soul twins and the single-trick magician by saying “thank you so much for your time.”
But the best line comes from the teaser for the season ahead, as Gabby sobs, “Am I too broken for anyone to love?” No, babe. You’re incredibly hot, funny, and have an actual career. Also, you’re 31 and half these guys are like 25. I’m saying there’s anything wrong with 25-year-old guys, but that’s because I don’t have to. You already know what’s wrong with them.
It is the last few seconds of the season teaser that whisper the tone of the season ahead. We hear a sad, broken voiceover of either Gabby or Rachel saying, “I just hope it’s worth it” followed by the closing gong of Inception level music and a screenshot of the girls in their obviously Thelma and Louise inspired convertible — the one they drove off a cliff and died in.
What more could a viewer want?
Share your hopes and dreams and “what the fuck was that”s in the comments below.
- Kelton
This podcast and recap are brought to you by Kelton Wright and Becca Schepps.
Kelton Wright writes Shangrilogs, a newsletter about high-altitude living and adventure in a town of 180 people and 51 dogs. She also does content stuff for companies you’ve heard of. You can find her on Instagram at keltonwrites.
Becca Schepps is a group fitness enthusiast based out of Boulder, Colorado. When her heart rate is not north of 190, she can be found working as a Creative Director. She is also the founder of the beverage brand Mortal.
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